“You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.”

“[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.”

“I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.”